About fourteen days ago, I went through probably what was the craziest day of my life thus far, not excluding the days that involved car wrecks, deaths, or hospital visits.

I began the morning at about 6:30am, as usual, and went to work. I was still settling in at this job, having only been there for about four months. I had worked my first few weeks with a guy who had been submitting resumes like a total madman. He informed me, "Get out, man. Keep sending out resumes. It's terrible here." One day he leaned over to me and said, "I know it's wrong, man, but I'm leaving and not coming back. I got a new job already and I just can't take anymore of this place." And then, having demonstrated the power of manifest destiny, he left for his lunch break and never came back.

I hadn't thought about his hasty exit in a while, but I had been keeping in touch with him via cell phone; although I hadn't talked to him in several days because his ranting about the crappiness of the company was growing tiresome. I still liked the guy, but I was feeling pretty good about the job, and had been thinking about putting up some of my little office trinkets and stuff which one only breaks out if they are very certain they are going to keep the job. In short, I thought it was going pretty well.

At 1:30 that afternoon, I had just finished heating up my lunch and was sitting down at my desk to eat when I got an IM from the boss saying "come into my office." I had missed it while I was heating up my food, and there was another one below it that said, "NOW!" The writing on the wall was pretty clear. I put some serious thought into IM'ing back, "Give me a minute to clean out my desk," but decided against it, put the cover on my lunch, and went into his office to get fired.

He was extremely nice and friendly about it, and I found myself actually smiling while leaving his office moments after being fired because it had been a fun conversation. That odd feeling of self-doubt and worthlessness had yet to seep in through the top of my head, so I went to my desk and started gathering up my stuff. I tried my best to appear somewhat casual, as if I was collecting my stuff to go on a service call. I headed out to my car and opened the little storage compartment in the dashboard where I had stashed the keychain which had held the keys to the building when they were given to me. I took the keys off of my personal set, and put them back on the company keychain from the car, where I had kept it, just as Foghorn Leghorn kept his feathers numbered - just in case of such an emergency. I went back in and was headed to the office to kindly give them back to the man who had just so very pleasantly fired me, but as soon as I crossed back over the threshold of the door, the shakes made their way into my hands. All I could do was lay the keys down on the front desk with one of my shirts.

I was new to the whole getting fired thing, so this shaky feeling was pretty unfamiliar territory. I wasn't sure if I was shaking because I was angry, disappointed in myself, or both. I turned the key in the car and headed back home in the middle of the day - a shameful activity, but not as bad as the only other time I was fired when I had to collect all my stuff in a box whilst the other workers peered over the tops of their cubicles at me waiting to see if I was going to do anything dramatic. No, this wasn't as publicly humiliating as that, but a quiet stream of self-pity and doubt was turning more torrential the longer I drove. Why hadn't I seen this coming? Was there something wrong with me? Was I not doing a good job? Was I losing it? Did I ever have it to lose? Should I just admit my incompetence in my chosen field, banish myself from it, and take a job as a school janitor, toll booth operator, or any other occupation which didn't involve a lot of thinking and had also been featured in an Adam Sandler CD? It was a long drive.

I must have had long enough to go through all 5 stages in the car, because the moment I got home, I rushed to my computer, updated my resume, and began sending it out like it contained the cure for cancer. Monster, DC Jobs, Craigslist - they all needed to know about my updated skill set and eagerness to learn.

Now I realized that I hadn't ever eaten my lunch. It was still in my cooler, having been heated up and placed back in there after the enjoyable firing. I thought about eating it, but when I got to the kitchen and opened the fridge, the beer looked a lot more compelling. I put the lunch in the fridge and cracked open a beer instead of eating. Maybe this would lead to a few more beers and maybe it wouldn't. Maybe my girlfriend would come home and find me passed out on the couch at 5:30 pm, empty bottles strewn about in a self-explanatory mess, and maybe she wouldn't.

I drank one beer and watched a few minutes of dreadful daytime tv, which elicited a response from my colon. I headed for the crapper and was a few pages into an article in Esquire without actually comprehending anything I was reading, my eyes going over the words, but my mind still racing about what the fuck I was going to do with myself now.

The phone rang.

I was on the shitter.

The only reason the home phone would ring in the middle of the day like this was if it was a response to one of the resumes I had just jettisoned out into the cloud, but was that possible? That had been every bit of 20 minutes ago. I waddled pants-ankled over to the phone and answered it. Sure enough, it was a guy who just received my resume. He "Just happened to be in front of (his) computer." What luck! After a few quick questions I asked where the office was. He told me the intersection and I almost couldn't believe it. This place was right around the corner. He asked how soon I could come in for an interview and I told him I'd be there in 10 minutes. I took care of any remaining duties in the bathroom, changed into a dress shirt, and was back out the door.

The preliminary interview with the owner of the company went well. He seemed to like me, and although I was probably looking pretty put-together, I was still trying to solve for x where x equaled me sitting in somebody's conference room interviewing for another job by 4 in the afternoon after being jovially fired at around 1:30. My head wasn't literally spinning, but it may as well have been as I answered his questions and tried not to sweat through my clean and freshly pressed dress shirt. There was a quick speakerphone call with the head of the department I would potentially be joining, and then the owner said he wanted me to speak with the head of another department.

I sat in my own baggage for a few extremely uncomfortable minutes until this guy came. The smugness was palpable - trailing and wafting along like wisps of smoke behind the guy as he entered the room. I answered his questions, trying to be friendly and approachable, and Mr. Smug continued to look at me as if I had just swallowed a live cat in front of him. This did not seem to be going terribly well. I still had yet to eat anything all day, my bathroom session had been cut off a little early, and I was probably a teeny bit drunk from the 8% beer I had poured down my throat not forty-five minutes before.

He asked me an absurd thought question about dipping a cube made up of smaller cubes in paint, and watched me try to come up with a concrete answer to what I thought was an abstract exercise in the same way one might watch a monkey play with a set of Legos. I was in no mood, and although the rest of the interview had gone pretty well, this guy was creeping me out pretty seriously. I was ready to cut my losses and get the hell out of there. Before I could do that, however, I somehow stumbled upon the correct answer. He left and sent the owner of the company back in.

He was holding a little folder which looked an awful lot like a welcome package, but I was still not buying it yet. Maybe he had actually taken the time to draw up a package outlining the various ways in which they were not interested in me. Surprisingly though, he said that he'd like to offer me the job, and opened the little packet. He outlined the great benefits, vacation time, and retirement plan. I agreed to take the job despite Mr. Smug, so I shook the guy's hand and signed a few papers.

By this time it was about 6:30pm, and I had just accepted a new job within four hours of being fired. This new job was not only immeasurably better, but was immeasurably closer to home. Gone was that hour long commute which had been kicking away at the shins of my soul for the last four months. In was sleeping in an extra hour each morning and driving to an office so close the car wouldn't even have warmed up by the time I got there. I wasn't going to have to wear a stupid uniform shirt anymore. I was going to be able to dress myself like an adult, choosing my own color of shoes, pants, ties and everything.


I had gone from probably the lowest low I've experienced in years to what should have been an elating high, but while the emotional center of my brain was still pissed off about being fired, the rational side was quite excited about the extra pay and vacation days. I texted the doomsday guy from what was now the old office that I had finally landed another job.

I skipped dinner, sat down, turnd on the TV, and opened another beer.


Paco